Saturday, February 27, 2010
Feb27th News Story#1 Firefighters
A local man in San Jose was rescued from his kitchen after smoke engulfed his entire home yesterday afternoon. Around 3p.m. Robert Kent was found unconscious in his single story home on Annapolis way according to San Jose Fire Captain Rob Piper. The fire started in the kitchen and moved to the attic. The cause of fire is still under investigation but the home did not have a smoke detector. Piper said Kent has second degree and third degree burns on fifty percent of his body. A nursing advisor at Valley Medical Center in San Jose said Kent was listed in grave condition.
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Your lead is pretty close, but I'd like to see you get rid of the passive voice ("was rescued"). You can do that by starting with who rescued him:
ReplyDeleteFirefighters rescued a San Jose man from his burning kitchen yesterday afternoon ...
You've got the right information in pretty much the right order, but how about some paragraph breaks?
* third-degree burns
* 50 percent
17/20