The cause of death of the woman found at the golf course last month was announced today as accidental drowning according to San Mateo County coroner.
Laura Smythe of Pacifica died at the young age of thirty four years old. Smythe's body was found in Sharp Park Golf Course in Pacifica by a local hiker. Robert Foster, the San Mateo County coroner, said there was nothing to indicate that Smythe's death was not accidental.
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You've got all the right information in your lead, but it doesn't read as well as it should. Tighten it up a bit and it will read more smoothly.
ReplyDeleteThe cause of death of a woman found at a Pacifica golf course last month was accidental drowning, the San Mateo County coroner announced yesterday.
Your second paragraph gets a little wordy and verges on commentary (e.g., "died at the young age" -- you don't have to point that out; trust your readers to notice that on their own).
8.5/10